You’ve driven me crazy, she thought silently, you’ve caused me considerable pain. I mean, I have the feeling that something about you is poisoning everything else, she stops at this sentence, and the morning coffee suddenly grew bitter to her, but I can’t abandon you and I can’t let you go. She reconsider this over another cup in lagged silence. If you are really a poison, like they said, she contemplates, I’d drink it down anyway.
"You’ve forgotten me…"
I shake my head. “Not really.” I’m just old, I wanted to say. But the fact that I could be entirely right about it, left bitter taste on my mouth.
Pretty as a doll. Can I take you home with me? I wouldn’t touch you or anything. That is just my moral compass. I’d just put you on a shelf, so I could look at you, because you are pretty as a doll. I’ll stare at you all night, and love you, and talk to you…
'You are one fascinating thing, don't you? Who knows what you're capable of in this life, if you weren't so damage?'
‘I’d save you, if I could. But who’s going to save me?’
'April is coming up and you know what that means? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.'
'I love coffees, do you drink coffee? I like them black. It's quite a good choice of drink. I don't know. I've been drinking six-eight cups a day all my life. I feel so good every single time. Partially it’s a placebo effect. But that’s perfectly fine.'
'I have a mawkish, natural enthusiasm for things. I like being alive in a way that’s a little bit cheerleaderish; I sounded almost crazy. But there would be certainly no need to inform you that I am not created for any sort of society. The trouble is I don't know how to behave in company. I am either excessively kind and polite or I am excessively rude. Does that make any sense, so far?'
'You see, I belong to no one and no one belongs to me. I am pretty amazing, there's nothing I cannot let go of if I tried hard enough. Truth is, I'm pretty convinced that I have never loved any of them, I was just lonely. Although I probably lying about that too. Anyway, I could say that forever isn’t for everyone. Is forever for you?’
'Don't wink at me please, it's something I really dislike even as an emoticon.'
'God, how come you are so pretty? How is that even possible?’
— Matty Healy (the 1975)
(The best of me listened
to the worst of my voices
the choices I made
took me to a place with no choices)
Looking through the window
at the early morning parking lot
quiet coffee in a 24 hour store
so beautiful to see
anything and everything
that isn’t a concrete block wall.
October last year, on a day just like this one, on the seventh or eighth cups of coffee, I think I must have loved him. I was an unhappy moody person, but I took a shine to him, who had a way about him and talked to me with a ridiculously beaming smile. My love for him was mostly for the fact that he was cheerful. And I do not love cheerful people.